USEFUL ARTICLES ON PARENTING AND CHILD REARING
2024-11-18 14:20

MANIPULATION IN CHILDREN'S UPBRINGING

Raising children is an energy-intensive process that demands immense reserves of patience, love, and knowledge from parents. Yet, humans are naturally inclined to seek easier paths—that's just how we’re wired. Parenting is no exception.

The easiest approach is when a child listens to us completely, when we have full control over them. When they think and act exactly as we want—a "convenient" child. The most effective way to make a child convenient for us is through manipulation.

Manipulation in parenting is a subtle way for parents to influence their children to achieve their own goals, which don’t always align with the child’s best interests.

Although such methods may seem effective in the short term, they often lead to significant problems in the long run.

Manipulation can manifest in various ways:

  • Guilt: “If you don’t clean your room, I’ll cry because I’m a bad mother and raised you poorly.”
  • Fear: “If you don’t clean your room, worms and flies will take over, and they’ll eat you!”
  • Blackmail: “If you don’t clean your room, I won’t love you anymore and won’t talk to you.”
  • Threats: “If you don’t clean your room, I’ll grab the belt and give you a good spanking!”
  • Flattery: “You’re so smart and amazing; I have no doubt you’ll clean your room right now.”
  • Promises: “If you clean your room right now, we’ll go and buy that toy you’ve mentioned a hundred times.”
  • Guilt-tripping: “I do so much for you; the least you can do is clean your room.”
  • Devaluation: “Getting straight A’s in school means nothing if your room is such a mess.”

This is a dangerous path.

Manipulation in parenting is incredibly harmful to both the child and your relationship with them.

Manipulation makes it very easy to make a child do something without spending time on care, communication, explanations, or other essential aspects of parenting.

The Dangers of Manipulation:

  • Distorts the Child’s Personality
A child learns to please parents instead of expressing their own emotions. They fear being themselves and hide their true feelings.

  • Destroys Trust
Children stop sharing their problems with parents because they fear being manipulated.

  • Creates Anxiety and Guilt
A child lives in constant worry about not meeting parental expectations, feeling they are “not good enough.” This can lead to stress and depression.

  • Fosters a Sense of Lack of Freedom
A child feels they don’t belong to themselves, perceiving themselves as a puppet controlled by their parents.

These effects have a profoundly negative impact on a child and who they will become in the future. Children raised in families where manipulation is a common parenting tool are usually less prepared for adult and independent life.

How to Avoid Manipulation in Parenting:

  • Develop Emotional Maturity
Remember that your child is not your property but an independent individual from birth.

  • Learn to Express Emotions Openly
Share your feelings without blaming the child for them. Follow the principle: “It’s not you that upsets me, but your behavior.”

  • Encourage Independence
Allow your child to make mistakes and take responsibility for their own decisions. Share in their joys and disappointments but avoid giving advice unless asked.

  • Be Honest
Children can sense deceit and may lose trust in their parents. If you are honest with your child, they will be honest with you.

  • Show Respect for Your Child
Always treat your child as an individual. Value their opinions and make sure they know their perspective matters.
If a child grows up in a family where honest conversations replace manipulation, where there is a trusting atmosphere, and where the child feels and knows that they are important, they are much more likely to grow up as a happy person. They will be able to make honest and happy friends and, as an adult, be grateful to their parents for their joyful childhood.

Manipulations don't solve problems; they push them deeper.

Manipulation is deception, and relationships built on deception will eventually be uncovered, leading nowhere good. Through manipulation, we kill the child's individuality. The key mission of parenting is not control, but helping the child become an independent and happy person.