WHY DOES THE DAD NOT PARTICIPATE IN CHILDREN'S UPBRINGING?

I occasionally hear mothers say: "Kostya, you are such a wonderful father, you spend so much time with your kids. Can you please tell me how I can make my husband spend more time with the kids?" It saddens me to hear this. How can you make someone do something, and, more importantly, why would you want to? I believe you shouldn’t force it, but it’s important to gradually guide the father towards becoming more involved in parenting.

Mothers often find themselves in a situation where the father, although present in the family, shows little active interest in the child’s life. He’s there, but his involvement in raising the child is minimal. Why does this happen, and can it be changed?

Reasons can vary, but often, mothers themselves create barriers to active father involvement.

"The anxious motherhood mode"
The mother is convinced that she can do it better than anyone and "shuts out" the father from the opportunity to care for the child. As a result, the father remains "on the sidelines," his paternal feelings are not developed, and he doesn't feel needed in this role.

"I’m a bad mother if the child doesn’t rely on me"
This belief prevents a woman from trusting the father to take care of the baby, from delegating some tasks to him, and deprives him of valuable one-on-one time with the child, which is essential for building closeness and trust.

But it’s not only mothers who can be the cause.

Fear of the unknown
A father may not know how to interact with the child properly, may fear making mistakes, and taking on responsibility. He may wait for the child to grow older, but over time, the gap between them only grows.

"It’s not a man’s job"
In some cultures, there is a stereotype that men shouldn’t be involved in child-rearing. This puts pressure on fathers and hinders them from actively participating in parenting.

"It was the same for me as a child"
Many men grew up in families where fathers weren’t active in child-rearing and simply don’t know other ways of behaving.

I want to say that under no circumstances should you suddenly confront your husband with words like: "I read from Kostya Pirogov that you should spend more time with the kids!"

This is likely to backfire for several reasons: first, he’ll probably want to find me and ask me not to say things like that; second, he’ll probably perceive these words as "she’s nagging me again" and pull even further away from the topic of parenting.

TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF HIS ROLE.
It's important to remind your husband about how crucial his involvement is in the child's life. Share with him how fatherly love and care impact the child's development, shaping their self-esteem and confidence.

SUPPORT HIS EFFORTS.
If your husband tries to spend more time with the child, encourage him and avoid criticizing his efforts, even if things don't go perfectly at first.

SUGGEST IDEAS FOR SHARED ACTIVITIES.
If the father hasn't been actively involved before, he may struggle to figure out what to do with the child. Offer fun ideas for walks, games, or creative activities to strengthen their bond.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS.
Let your husband know how much it means to you to see him spend time with the child. Tell him how it helps you and how happy it makes you.

CREATE A COMFORTABLE ATMOSPHERE.
In the beginning, help your husband feel at ease in the father role. Create conditions where he can adjust, enjoy the time with the child, and feel fulfilled in the interaction.

Patience, support, and understanding are key to helping dads recognize the importance of their role and become active participants in raising their children. The world has changed, and more fathers are now realizing the significance of their involvement in their children's upbringing. Mom and dad complement each other, providing the child with all the tools needed for a fulfilling and happy life.