A child's independence is the most useful skill and a powerful tool that helps a little one become confident, responsible, and a happy person. However, for many parents, this process can be a challenge. After all, it’s so hard to let go and allow the little one to face their first mistakes. Could it all be about anxiety?
Our anxiety often becomes a barrier, preventing children from trying something new. We fear that they will make mistakes, get hurt, or be hurt by others. Anxiety is such a personal experience that we pass down from generation to generation, and it seems that each new generation becomes more cautious and less trusting. Why does this happen?
Our anxiety often becomes a barrier, preventing children from trying something new. We fear that they will make mistakes, get hurt, or be hurt by others. Anxiety is such a personal experience that we pass down from generation to generation, and it seems that each new generation becomes more cautious and less trusting. Why does this happen?
Parental anxiety: its roots and impact.
The modern world seems less safe to us than the one we grew up in. The constant stream of news, focus on dangers, and the rapid spread of information about disasters and incidents amplify the sense of threat. This makes us keep our children "under a bell jar," afraid to give them even the slightest freedom.
Moreover, modern parents often face high levels of stress: societal expectations, work, responsibility for their child's success. All of this fosters a sense of hyper-responsibility, which can turn into excessive control.
But what happens when a child grows up in such an environment? Children begin to perceive the world as something unknown, a place full of dangers where every action can end in failure. This prevents them from developing independence, confidence, and the ability to trust others.
Moreover, modern parents often face high levels of stress: societal expectations, work, responsibility for their child's success. All of this fosters a sense of hyper-responsibility, which can turn into excessive control.
But what happens when a child grows up in such an environment? Children begin to perceive the world as something unknown, a place full of dangers where every action can end in failure. This prevents them from developing independence, confidence, and the ability to trust others.
Why each generation becomes more anxious.
If we look back, we’ll notice that children of past generations had much more freedom. Grandparents often reminisce about their childhood, running around the yard without phones, building forts in the woods, and coming home after dark. Modern children have fewer such opportunities, although there are now far more ways to monitor and control children.
Reasons for the rise in anxiety:
- Information overload. News and social media create the feeling in parents that danger is always close.
- Societal expectations. The pressure to be perfect in everything—from safety to education—makes parents want to keep their children under control.
- Social isolation. The decreasing role of the "neighborhood" where children used to be looked after by the entire block or community, now they are more often left to themselves.
- The "perfect parent" syndrome. Modern parents feel they must create the ideal environment for their children's development, which often prevents them from facing challenges.
The result is that each subsequent generation grows more anxious and less confident. When children are deprived of the opportunity to explore the world and make decisions, they don't learn to trust themselves and others.
When children are deprived of the opportunity to explore the world and make decisions, they don't learn to trust themselves and others.
How anxiety prevents giving children independence
- Excessive control.
- Fear for safety.
- Lack of confidence in our decisions.
But it's important to remember that children grow through experience, not through perfect conditions.
How to overcome anxiety and give children freedom:
- Acknowledge your fears. Recognizing that the anxiety comes from you is the first step. Try asking yourself: "What exactly am I afraid of? What is the real likelihood of this happening?"
- Trust the world and people. Yes, the world is imperfect, but in most cases, it is safe for your child. Risks are inevitable, but they are part of life.
- Allow yourself to be a "good enough parent." Stop striving for perfection. Your job is to be there, not to solve every task for your child.
- Start small. Give your child small tasks they can do independently. Gradually increase the level of responsibility.
Your task is to be there, not to solve every problem for your child.
What will we leave to the next generations?
If we continue to pass on our anxiety to our children, they will grow up to be adults who are afraid to take risks, afraid to trust, and afraid to be themselves. But we can change this by allowing our children more freedom and independence. After all, it's not only important to raise successful children, but also happy, self-confident, and open-minded adults.
And here is the key question: Are we, as parents, ready to trust ourselves in order to teach this to our children?
Why is it so important to give a child the opportunity to be independent?
1.Trust as the foundation of growth
When we allow children to make decisions and take responsibility for their choices, it forms an important sense of trust — both in themselves and in the world around them. The child understands: "I can, I will manage."
When we allow children to make decisions and take responsibility for their choices, it forms an important sense of trust — both in themselves and in the world around them. The child understands: "I can, I will manage."
Anya and I always encourage our kids to try doing things independently, even if it means the risk of failure. For example, when Liza was making a sandwich by herself, she once spilled milk. Of course, we helped clean it up, but what mattered more was how she smiled, realizing: "I did this on my own!"
2.Mistakes as lessons
Children learn through experience. Mistakes are not failures; they are opportunities to understand how to do better next time.
Mitya, while packing his school bag, forgot his pants. He had to attend the first lessons in warm winter pants, but later I brought him the school ones. However, now Mitya has decided to keep his school pants in his locker at school instead of carrying them home all the time.
Children learn through experience. Mistakes are not failures; they are opportunities to understand how to do better next time.
Mitya, while packing his school bag, forgot his pants. He had to attend the first lessons in warm winter pants, but later I brought him the school ones. However, now Mitya has decided to keep his school pants in his locker at school instead of carrying them home all the time.
3.Development of responsibility
Independence is closely linked to responsibility. When a child understands that their choices have consequences, it helps shape their character. A simple task, such as washing the dishes or cleaning up toys, helps them realize that the family is a team, and everyone’s contribution matters.
In our family, the kids have their own “areas of responsibility.” They know that before inviting someone over, the playroom needs to be tidy. The order in the room is their responsibility, while cleanliness is partially shared between us and Anya.
Independence is closely linked to responsibility. When a child understands that their choices have consequences, it helps shape their character. A simple task, such as washing the dishes or cleaning up toys, helps them realize that the family is a team, and everyone’s contribution matters.
In our family, the kids have their own “areas of responsibility.” They know that before inviting someone over, the playroom needs to be tidy. The order in the room is their responsibility, while cleanliness is partially shared between us and Anya.
4.Freedom of self-expression
Children are individuals from an early age. Independence helps them find their voice and express their thoughts and feelings. Of course, this can sometimes lead to contentious situations.
For example, when Liza decided to wear pants with a dress, I initially thought, “How could she do that?” But then I realized — it was her way of self-expression. And yes, in the end, she felt more confident because she made that choice herself.
Children are individuals from an early age. Independence helps them find their voice and express their thoughts and feelings. Of course, this can sometimes lead to contentious situations.
For example, when Liza decided to wear pants with a dress, I initially thought, “How could she do that?” But then I realized — it was her way of self-expression. And yes, in the end, she felt more confident because she made that choice herself.
5.Readiness for adult life
As parents, we won’t always be there to help. Our job is to teach our children to navigate the world on their own. When a child starts handling age-appropriate tasks from an early age, they become more prepared for adult life. Whether it's buying bread at the store or planning pocket money expenses — each of these little things lays a solid foundation for the future.
As parents, we won’t always be there to help. Our job is to teach our children to navigate the world on their own. When a child starts handling age-appropriate tasks from an early age, they become more prepared for adult life. Whether it's buying bread at the store or planning pocket money expenses — each of these little things lays a solid foundation for the future.
Practical tips for parents:
1.Give children age-appropriate tasks. Assign tasks that match your child's age and abilities. For example, toddlers can clean up toys, while teenagers can help plan the family dinner. The key is to make sure the task isn't too complicated to avoid feelings of helplessness.
2.Be patient. Learning something new takes time. Children may make mistakes, act slowly, or lose interest. Your job is to show patience and support, making it clear you're there to help, not to do it for them.
3.Acknowledge efforts with praise. Praise your child not only for the result but also for the process: for their effort, for trying to solve the problem independently. If something goes wrong, use mistakes as an opportunity for discussion and learning, not for criticism.
4.Explain the purpose of tasks. Children are more likely to engage with tasks when they understand their meaning. Explain why it's important to tidy up their things or care for a younger sibling. This helps your child feel valuable and contribute to family life.
5.Offer choices. Instead of giving strict instructions, offer your child a few options. For example, ask, "Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after?" This helps develop decision-making skills and shows that you trust their judgment.
2.Be patient. Learning something new takes time. Children may make mistakes, act slowly, or lose interest. Your job is to show patience and support, making it clear you're there to help, not to do it for them.
3.Acknowledge efforts with praise. Praise your child not only for the result but also for the process: for their effort, for trying to solve the problem independently. If something goes wrong, use mistakes as an opportunity for discussion and learning, not for criticism.
4.Explain the purpose of tasks. Children are more likely to engage with tasks when they understand their meaning. Explain why it's important to tidy up their things or care for a younger sibling. This helps your child feel valuable and contribute to family life.
5.Offer choices. Instead of giving strict instructions, offer your child a few options. For example, ask, "Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after?" This helps develop decision-making skills and shows that you trust their judgment.
In conclusion, I want to say: allowing a child to be independent doesn't mean distancing yourself. It means walking alongside them, offering help and support when needed, and sharing their disappointment in failures. After all, our goal is not just to raise children, but to grow happy, confident adults who are ready to take responsibility for their lives.