“Don’t scream, or the policeman will take you away!”
“If you don’t study well, you’ll end up as a janitor!”
“Eat your porridge, or you won’t grow up!”
Sound familiar?
For many of us, these phrases were a natural part of childhood. Our parents used them with the best intentions—to guide, protect, and steer us away from mistakes.
But if we take a closer look, this parenting approach is based on fear. And fear has long-term consequences.
Why do we, as parents, sometimes repeat these phrases? Is it possible to raise children without scaring them into obedience? And how can we not just control our child’s behavior but raise a confident, self-aware individual?
Let’s break it down.
“If you don’t study well, you’ll end up as a janitor!”
“Eat your porridge, or you won’t grow up!”
Sound familiar?
For many of us, these phrases were a natural part of childhood. Our parents used them with the best intentions—to guide, protect, and steer us away from mistakes.
But if we take a closer look, this parenting approach is based on fear. And fear has long-term consequences.
Why do we, as parents, sometimes repeat these phrases? Is it possible to raise children without scaring them into obedience? And how can we not just control our child’s behavior but raise a confident, self-aware individual?
Let’s break it down.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH RAISING CHILDREN THROUGH FEAR?
When a child hears:
A child’s brain is wired to interpret things as they are. If a parent says they might be given away, the child believes it’s a real possibility.
What are the long-term effects?
- “If you don’t behave, I’ll give you away to a stranger.”
- “If you don’t eat, you won’t grow strong.”
- “If you watch too much TV, you’ll become dumb.”
A child’s brain is wired to interpret things as they are. If a parent says they might be given away, the child believes it’s a real possibility.
What are the long-term effects?
1. It creates fear of failure
If a child is told, “Bad grades mean you’ll be a janitor!”, they start to fear making mistakes.
As a result:
As a result:
- They avoid challenges because they’re afraid to “mess up.”
- They don’t study out of curiosity or self-growth, but out of fear.
- They develop self-doubt and low confidence.
2. It damages trust between parent and child
— “But we never actually gave them away to a stranger, it was just words!”
For adults, these are empty threats. For a child, they represent real danger.
When fear is used as a parenting tool, the child develops anxiety and insecurity:
✔️ The world is unsafe—at any moment, they could be abandoned or punished.
✔️ Parental love feels conditional—it depends on their behavior.
✔️ It’s safer to hide mistakes than to talk about them.
Later, parents wonder why their child doesn’t open up to them anymore.
For adults, these are empty threats. For a child, they represent real danger.
When fear is used as a parenting tool, the child develops anxiety and insecurity:
✔️ The world is unsafe—at any moment, they could be abandoned or punished.
✔️ Parental love feels conditional—it depends on their behavior.
✔️ It’s safer to hide mistakes than to talk about them.
Later, parents wonder why their child doesn’t open up to them anymore.
3. It creates external motivation, not internal understanding
Fear-based parenting produces quick results.
If a child is afraid of punishment or rejection, they’ll comply.
But in the long run:
If a child is afraid of punishment or rejection, they’ll comply.
But in the long run:
- Once fear disappears (often in teenage years), so does their motivation.
- They don’t understand why they should study or behave well.
- They become dependent on external pressure instead of internal values.
WHY DO WE DO THIS AS PARENTS?
1. Because it was done to us
Many of us parent the way we were parented. These are deeply ingrained patterns that switch on automatically.
But if we reflect on our own childhood—did these threats actually help us?
Did all kids with bad grades become janitors? Did strangers really take away misbehaving children? Or were these just manipulative tactics?
But if we reflect on our own childhood—did these threats actually help us?
Did all kids with bad grades become janitors? Did strangers really take away misbehaving children? Or were these just manipulative tactics?
2. Because it seems easier
It’s simpler to say, “If you don’t study, you’ll be a nobody,” than to explain why learning is important.
But if we want our children to understand rather than fear, we need to take the time to explain.
But if we want our children to understand rather than fear, we need to take the time to explain.
3. Because we are anxious ourselves
Sometimes, we use fear because we are worried about our child’s future.
- “I don’t know how to instill a love for learning, so I just tell them they’ll fail in life without school.”
- “I’m scared for their health, so I scare them into eating.”
HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN WITHOUT FEAR
1. Explain consequences instead of scaring them
(NO) “If you don’t study, you’ll end up as a janitor!”
(YES) “Education gives you more opportunities. It helps you choose what you want to do in life.”
(NO) “If you don’t eat, you won’t grow up!”
(YES) “Food gives us strength and energy. Without it, you might feel tired and weak.”
(YES) “Education gives you more opportunities. It helps you choose what you want to do in life.”
(NO) “If you don’t eat, you won’t grow up!”
(YES) “Food gives us strength and energy. Without it, you might feel tired and weak.”
2. Lead by example
Children learn not from words, but from actions.
If they see their parents reading, working, and learning new things, they will adopt these behaviors naturally.
If they see their parents reading, working, and learning new things, they will adopt these behaviors naturally.
3. Give them freedom of choice
Children need to understand that they are responsible for their own decisions.
— “You don’t have to do your homework. But it will be harder for you to understand new topics later.”
— “You can choose not to wear a jacket. But if you get cold, we’ll have to go home.”
This isn’t scaring them—it’s showing real-life cause and effect.
— “You don’t have to do your homework. But it will be harder for you to understand new topics later.”
— “You can choose not to wear a jacket. But if you get cold, we’ll have to go home.”
This isn’t scaring them—it’s showing real-life cause and effect.
4. Ensure emotional safety
Children need to know that they are loved even when they make mistakes.
Parental love shouldn’t depend on their grades or behavior.
Parental love shouldn’t depend on their grades or behavior.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Raising children without fear takes effort. But it creates something invaluable—a child who grows up to be confident and self-aware.
Fear-based parenting gets quick results, but in the long term, it doesn’t work.
Want to learn more about conscious parenting? Follow my blog, listen to my podcast, and check out my course “How to Be a Father”—full of simple, practical strategies that actually work.
Fear-based parenting gets quick results, but in the long term, it doesn’t work.
Want to learn more about conscious parenting? Follow my blog, listen to my podcast, and check out my course “How to Be a Father”—full of simple, practical strategies that actually work.